Affirmations #2

Setting a stepmom affirmation last week helped me keep a positive attitude, so I wanted to try it again this week.

Where The Stepmom's Toolbox has issued a 30 daily affirmations challenge, I am adjusting it to weekly affirmations which gives me extra time to really internalize my selected thought.

For this week's affirmation, I have gone back to the list posted on my closet wall. The lesson I chose continues the path I set last week.

Today may I trust that all will be well.

Last week I learned to breathe and let pass the things that I found bothersome. In doing so, things got done eventually and all turned out well.

It seems appropriate this week to start at the end and trust that all will be well. Because ultimately, it will be, whether it was done "my way" or not.

What is your affirmation of the week (or day)?

Affirmation Follow-Up and Happy

Affirmation Follow-Up

After the affirmations post last Sunday, I thought it might be a good idea to look back over my week and see if it was affected by my week's affirmation.

This week I chose to focus on the phrase, "Today may I breathe and let it pass." I was becoming quite frustrated with the level of housework I felt like I was doing compared with the level of housework I felt like everyone else was doing.

I'm obviously too involved in the situation to determine if I am truly doing more than everyone else or if I just wasn't giving enough credit to everyone else.

Instead I focused on my affirmation. I started letting things pass rather than nit-picking over things that I thought should be done. I backed off my "parental" side that wanted to keep everyone on schedule and let my husband handle policing my stepson's chore board.

In moments where I wondered why the dishwasher hadn't been unloaded yet while other dishes piled on the counter or why the trash was overflowing, I did not nag. I mentioned once (and only once) "you have the opportunity to earn some money today for the dishwasher, the trash, and setting the dinner table." If my husband chose to, he could nag.

(I should mention here that my stepson earns money through his chores to pay for his cell phone. My husband confiscated that phone this week due to my stepson's late payment and lack of funds.)

At any rate, I was not policing. I was breathing and letting things pass.

A miraculous thing happened. Chores got done. They may not have been taken care of on my timetable, but why did I need a timetable anyway? So what if the dishes piled up? I let it go. Whenever it got done, it got done.

By Wednesday, my husband, my stepson, and I were hitting a rhythm. We even spent extra time talking and snuggling. I'd say this week's affirmation was a success. This weekend I'll have to think about my next affirmation.

This week's Happy

Today at Stepmom Diaries on WorkingMother.com, I talk about a book blogging group that, each Friday, has me looking at what is making me happy this week.

I thought it might be fun to bring that exercise here as well, since we all get caught up in the helter skelter. It's nice to take a minute and think about what makes you happy.

These are some of the things making me happy this week.

• A "quiet" work week. That's right, no major fires to put out this week. I got to focus simply on getting things done.
• My friends. This week I heard from each of my closest friends. It was such a treasure to share joy and encouragement.
• Twitter. I have met and shared conversations with so many people I otherwise would never have met including other stepmoms, artists, and soul searchers. (Come say hello. I'm @lifeafterweb.)
• My stepson made the middle school baseball team. This is the first year he is eligible to try out and he wanted so much to make the team. Hooray for him!
• My husband who, for whatever reason, gave up his weekly game night (an xbox online meetup with his friend) and instead spent the evening snuggling with me on the couch. He even banned laptops.

What is making you happy this week?  Share your Happy in the comments.

Introducing My Guys to Bobby McFerrin's Music

I am different from my husband and my stepson. When I say that I am referring to my love for seeking good in this world, believing in magic, and embracing whimsy.

My husband and my stepson, on the other hand, are guys guys. They like baseball and video games and they laugh when they fart.

They are still good people, mind you. We just don't always see things the same way. Where I see wonder, sometimes they don't.

So when I took them to see Bobby McFerrin last night in Princeton, I was worried. When I bought the tickets as a Christmas gift, it seemed like a fun idea, but when it came to show time last night, I was beginning to second guess it.

Thirty seconds into the show, my husband looked dumbfounded and he whispered to me that my stepson was trying hard to stifle laughing.

Ugh. I panicked for a moment and thought ahead to what might potentially be a painful ride home as they chastised me for picking such a "goofy" concert. Aside from that, I really didn't want to be responsible for them not having a good time.

After a while I forgot about those worries and let myself get drawn into McFerrin's amazing vocal work as he performed a one man show using only his voice, the tapping of his feet, and patting his hand on his chest to create fully developed music.

Things got really fun as he started encouraging audience participation inviting audience members to the stage one at a time to dance improv to McFerrin's musical improv. He also invited people up to sing whatever song they chose and he would sing along with them in his own unique style.

By then I noticed my husband and stepson were watching with more interest and laughing with the rest of the crowd at McFerrin's sense of humor. Phew! Crisis averted.

In fact, during the ride home as we talked about the concert they admitted they were worried when the show first started, but that Bobby McFerrin really does cool things with his voice. They caveated that with "he is a special kind of crazy."

I'll settle for that. Like I said, I knew it was going to be a different experience for them. My only hope was that they would get some enjoyment out of it, which it seems like they did.

I posted a video below of McFerrin performing Bach and Ave Maria with audience participation, just as he did in the concert we went to last night.

His vision and ability to be a true leader are inspiring, even more so that he could win over my guys.

The energy in the theater restored my faith that people are inherently good and can work together if only they take a chance.

Spring Style

Now that Spring is officially here and we seem to have left the blizzards behind us (I hope!), my energy is stirring. Creativity is blossoming during my ever-evolving quest to decide who I am and how to present myself to the world.

Today it’s through a super comfy-artsy-whimsical outfit. I treated myself to a new scarf yesterday (ok… two scarves) to cheer up my same ol’ same ol’ clothes.

I’m defying the gray skies that threaten to rain throughout the afternoon with my own Spring flowers.

How is Spring affecting your style?

Ancestral Origins

Last Wednesday was St. Patrick’s Day, which usually can be relied on for at least one person asking, “Are you Irish?”

My confusion in answering first begins with the tremendous localness of my ancestors. My grandmother on my dad’s side has done extensive genealogy research on our family and as far back as she has traced, most of my ancestors were born right here in the United States.

In the 1780s, one of my ancestors was born in Ireland before coming to America and marrying. That’s it. Just one. Everyone else in that genealogical study was born here, some even fighting in the Revolutionary War.

For those, like me, not so great with remembering historic dates, that war began in 1775 and ended in 1783. That’s a long time to have been in this relatively new country.

On my mom’s side of the family, we have no history with which to answer this question. She was adopted when she was a baby and we don’t know her background at all.

Disconcerting? Yep.

If I have to answer the origins question, I guess my answer is that I’m pretty much plain American with the tiniest percentage of Irish and a whole lot of mystery.

Affirmations

I used to think affirmations were hokey. It always made me think of people trying to be tough in business. I don’t know why, but that’s what my mind always made it about.

Last year, Jenn Gibson at Kind Over Matter collected sets of affirmations from several wonderful women and offered them as free downloads on her site.

With options like “Today may I embrace whimsy” and "Today may I let my intuition guide me," I could really get on board with affirmations.

I printed them out and taped them to the wall in my closet where I could see them every day while getting dressed. I even added a few little stickies to mark which ones I want to focus on at the moment.

I don’t change affirmations daily. I tend to hang on to them for a week or so until I feel ready for something different.

Last week Erin talked about affirmations on her blog, following The Stepmom's Toolbox Radio Show where the topic was raised. Erin and crew decided to start The 30 Day Affirmation Challenge to see how daily affirmations help other stepmoms.

One of Erin's opening examples made me laugh: "I will recognize that I may be the most mature one in the stepfamily." We probably all have days like that, right?

Until Erin’s post, I never really thought about using affirmations in relation to my role as a stepmom. The idea intrigues me, so I think I’ll give it a try in my usual weekly style.

This week, my stepmom affirmation is ripped right from the Kind Over Matter set. Today may I breath and let it pass.

It's been a trying week on my soul as I've asked for help around the house and tried to police the chore board. I just don't want to do that. In fact, as of today I am letting the "not mine" chores stack up to save my own sanity.

I'm sure all of us in this house feel like we are doing a lot. Just because I prefer my living space to be organized doesn't mean it has to be everyone else's priority. Furthermore, I reserve the right to not be traffic cop.

If it doesn't bother anyone else that couch space is dwindling because of laptops, power cords, and pillows in disarray, I will do my best to breathe and let it pass. Then I will flop contentedly into my corner reading chair where nothing stands in the way of my resting.

Wild and Crazy Stepmom

I used to think I was flighty and unfocused. Maybe it’s from growing up with an engineer as a father. I tried hard to be a good student and follow a logical, “stable” path.

Now that I’m a grown-up, I have a good job in web project management. I know how to do my job and I think I’m good at it.

But there’s this other side to me that I’ve been afraid to acknowledge as more than just a hobby. I’m somewhat of a creative free-spirit. It feels weird to say that because I’ve trained myself to be logical.

The point I’m trying to make is I have “wild and crazy” ideas. A few days ago I was given a box of brightly colored nail polishes in blue, green, purple, and orange to name a few. I was delighted, yet terrified.

As a grown-up web producer stepmom, can I wear those crazy colors? Bear in mind, I usually keep my finger nails natural. In the summer I like to get pedicures and often go for a simple french pedicure or the occasional magenta to spice it up.

Today as I headed out of the office for work, my husband asked where my St. Patrick’s Day green was. I told him I didn’t have anything in my work wardrobe that was green. He asked, “Don’t you have green nail polish now?”

I was so excited that I ran downstairs and polished my nails over breakfast. Grown up… in the office… in green nail polish. It’s such a rush! I’ve been happy and energetic all day.

This little box of polishes appeals so much to the side of me that wants to dye a pink stripe in my hair. I’ve already been working up my courage and may try the pink stripe for my birthday in May (if I don’t chicken out).

When I think about it, though, this little voice says, “you are supposed to be a responsible adult. You’re a stepmom for crying out loud. What will people think when you show up to your stepson's baseball games with pink hair?”

So I’m asking you stepmoms and non-stepmoms alike: What would you think of a grown up woman like me with a pink stripe in her hair?

Does being a stepmom hold you back from any wild and crazy ideas?

Living in the Moment

I nearly missed some wonderful memories with my stepson simply because I had a plan in my head for how my time would be spent.

Do you ever do that? Have you turned down a game or walked away from spontaneous fun because you had something else you "had" to do?

Remember, our lives are for building memories, not for checking off to do's.

Read more about living in the moment at my Working Mother blog.

Jumping to Conclusions While Reading Elizabeth Gilbert's Story

I just started reading Elizabeth Gilbert's Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage. Gilbert is best known for her memoir Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia, a book I haven't read.

When I first heard about Committed I was intrigued. It is a memoir about Gilbert's exploration of marriage, an institution which she and her man had agreed to forego mostly due to both having been through hard divorces in the past. Prior to getting married a second time, I also questioned whether marriage was necessary and what it really means. Given that, I'm curious to read about how Gilbert made peace with marriage and what she learned along the way.

The introduction has already captured my attention with her witty voice. She has set the tone for a great story full of insights on marriage in the Western culture (i.e. we Americans).

Toward the end of the introduction, she lists women whom she considers to be part of her circle. Among them she mentions her stepdaughter. I was inspired by this inclusion. I marveled at their relationship and applauded their closeness. I thought about how wonderful it is that the two of them have crossed such a hard road and come out better for it.

Then I hesitated. How could I infer from one list of names that their relationship was close? For all I know Gilbert included her stepdaughter's name as an olive branch of sorts, in the hopes of forming a bond. Or maybe she felt an obligation to include the name. Of course, it's entirely possible they really are close. I have no way knowing.

It was interesting to me then that my reaction had been to assume that theirs is a positive, loving (if not mutually respectful) relationship. Is that because of my own hope that I am forming a good relationship with my stepson? Or is it because I was jealous of the effortlessness I interpreted therein? Maybe a little of both? 70/30? :)

I am hopeful that close step-relationships are possible. I feel that my stepson and I have taken the right steps toward such a relationship. In fact, I wish it for Gilbert and all other stepfamilies as well.

Infertility and Stress

I’m switching gears a little today to talk about something I haven’t been really public about before.

When my husband and I got married almost two years ago, we were surprised and delighted to find out one month later that I was pregnant. It felt like a sign that we were right where we were meant to be.

Eleven weeks and two ultrasounds in, I miscarried. To make matters worse, my D+C was scheduled on my husband’s birthday. Needless to say no one was feeling celebratory.

It was one of the most horrible times in my life. I slid into depression and cried month after month when my cycle restarted.

I tried to stay positive. I kept thinking my body was just purging the first pregnancy as a natural progression to making way for a stronger pregnancy soon after.

It’s been 17 months since I miscarried and we’ve yet to get pregnant again. It’s still heartbreaking, especially since I dream of being a stay at home mom. Each passing month is still heartbreaking and still brings depression spells. Though sometimes, it brings more of a resigned numbness.

So, why am I mentioning this today? As I sat in the infertility doctor’s office this morning. I was thinking about some of the other stepmom’s writings I’ve read and realized many of them had also mentioned somewhere along the line not having kids of their own despite their best efforts.

I truly believe that stress is a big factor in a couple’s ability to conceive. Miscarriage certainly brings with it plenty of stress. Add to that the adjustment of new stepfamily life, business woes, my in-laws moving in to our home, and most recently the passing of loved ones and I can certainly understand why my body might be rebelling.

I wonder, though, if infertility among stepmothers is prevalent or if I just happen to be connecting with people who’ve had similar experiences.

Is stress a factor in fertility? If so, how do the complexities of stepfamily life weigh in? Perhaps not at all, but that’s what I pondered while waiting far too long in the doctor’s office this morning.