We had a visit from my stepson’s mother the other day. She lives in another state so we don’t see her very often.
She called on Sunday to say she would be visiting her family on Monday. (Her family lives about an hour away from us.) Before she left town, she wanted to stop by and visit her son.
She arrived at our house that evening with her boyfriend and we all hung out at for a couple of hours, ordering pizza, chatting, and laughing together.
I suppose this may seem a bit strange. I’ve heard how turbulent the mother/stepmother relationship can be. I think our society even expects it to be. There are books and websites and counselors out there offering us all kinds of tools to help manage it.
Maybe my situation is rare- I don’t know, but for whatever reason she and I have chosen to get along fine.
We hug hello (yes, this was a surprise to me the first time, too!) and she often mentions to my husband how much she likes me and how grateful she is that I don’t feel threatened by her or act harshly toward her.
I’m happy we get along. She is a friendly person who has never disrespected me. I don’t judge her and she doesn’t prevent me from being the kind of stepmom I am.
Maybe it’s because my own mom was adopted, so I understand that parenting is less about who birthed a child than it is about how you raise the child.
There is no reason for his mom and me to have a strained relationship. She, my husband, my stepson, and I are all comfortable in our roles and interactions with one another.
My stepson has been very loved in his 12 years on this planet. He had his dad, his grandparents, and in recent years, me taking care of him, leading and teaching him.
His mom loves him. If she wants to visit, I’m happy to welcome her into my home for dinner. Her boyfriend was nice, too. It was like spending the evening with friends.
Why shouldn’t it be? We have one very important interest in common.
I’d love to hear from other stepfamilies. How do you handle the mother/stepmother relationship?
Showing posts with label stepmotherhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stepmotherhood. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Monday, May 10, 2010
How Was Mother's Day?
How was Mother’s Day? Did you get catered to and adored all day? I certainly hope so.
I got up much too early in the morning to go to my stepson’s baseball game. As we were packing up to leave, my stepson asked what I was going to do for the day. I said I was going to his baseball game. “But it’s Mother’s Day,” he said in a sweet tone that implied I shouldn’t have to go if I didn’t want to. I explained that yes it was Mother’s Day which was precisely why I wanted to go see my kid play.
And yes, I refer to him as my kid. He lives with me and my husband full-time. I go to all his games and do the daily things a mom is “supposed” to do. I believe that makes him partly my kid. I may not have made him, but I am contributing to the person he is becoming.
Just last week for my birthday he gave me a beautiful pot of flowers and a card, both of which I’m told he picked out all on his own. Scrawled on the front of the envelope in giant letters was “To Sherri/Bonus Mom.”
I’m lucky to have him in my life. As we sat at a hibachi table for Mother’s Day lunch, I told him so.
Throughout the day he wished me a happy mother’s day no less than a dozen times. Stepmotherhood brings with it a number of frustrations, but it is also filled with unexpected moments of bliss. Mother’s day has become one such event. I never expected to be acknowledged, but my stepson and my husband honor me each year. It’s really special.
I made phone calls to my own mom and stepmom this afternoon since they are in different states and I couldn’t be with them.
What did you do for Mother’s Day?
I got up much too early in the morning to go to my stepson’s baseball game. As we were packing up to leave, my stepson asked what I was going to do for the day. I said I was going to his baseball game. “But it’s Mother’s Day,” he said in a sweet tone that implied I shouldn’t have to go if I didn’t want to. I explained that yes it was Mother’s Day which was precisely why I wanted to go see my kid play.
And yes, I refer to him as my kid. He lives with me and my husband full-time. I go to all his games and do the daily things a mom is “supposed” to do. I believe that makes him partly my kid. I may not have made him, but I am contributing to the person he is becoming.
Just last week for my birthday he gave me a beautiful pot of flowers and a card, both of which I’m told he picked out all on his own. Scrawled on the front of the envelope in giant letters was “To Sherri/Bonus Mom.”
I’m lucky to have him in my life. As we sat at a hibachi table for Mother’s Day lunch, I told him so.
Throughout the day he wished me a happy mother’s day no less than a dozen times. Stepmotherhood brings with it a number of frustrations, but it is also filled with unexpected moments of bliss. Mother’s day has become one such event. I never expected to be acknowledged, but my stepson and my husband honor me each year. It’s really special.
I made phone calls to my own mom and stepmom this afternoon since they are in different states and I couldn’t be with them.
What did you do for Mother’s Day?
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Happy Mother's Day
Mothers come in all shapes and all sizes. They are patient, they are kind. They are stern, they are tough. They give hugs, kiss scrapes, and clap the loudest.
Mothers do what needs to be done, often without any thanks. They support, love, work, and provide.
To all mothers - biological, step, adoptive, foster - thank you for everything you do. I wish you a very happy mother's day!
In honor of you, here is author Kelly Corrigan talking about what makes her mother special. This video makes me laugh and it makes me tear up. (If you're viewing this in a reader, you may need to click through to the full post to see the video.)
Happy Mother's Day, everyone!
Mothers do what needs to be done, often without any thanks. They support, love, work, and provide.
To all mothers - biological, step, adoptive, foster - thank you for everything you do. I wish you a very happy mother's day!
In honor of you, here is author Kelly Corrigan talking about what makes her mother special. This video makes me laugh and it makes me tear up. (If you're viewing this in a reader, you may need to click through to the full post to see the video.)
Happy Mother's Day, everyone!
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Too Young to Have a Kid So Big
I learned a big lesson about myself last week when it comes to taking things personally. I’ve spent my entire life being mistaken as younger than I am. I used to hate it when adults would say, “you’ll appreciate it someday.” As a kid, “someday” doesn’t exist. You just want to grow up now.
And now I am grown up. I’ll be 33 in just a few short weeks and I still get mistaken for being 10 years younger. I know, I know- what a great problem to have. Don’t get me wrong. I am happy with the way I look and I’m sure I’ll continue to appreciate it “someday.”
The thing is I’m at a time in my life where I’m supposed to be somewhat of an authority. You know, look like I’ve been working for a while, act like a parent, etc. I think I’m good at my job and I do my best to be a good stepmom, but I see how some people look at me and I assume they are thinking, “she’s too young.”
As if to confirm my suspicions, a lot of people I’ve encountered lately have commented that I look too young to have a 12-year-old kid. I get stuck in this awkward, “um, thanks” while I try to explain (or not) that he’s my stepson or that I’m older than I look.
In fact, this just happened last week. My stepson and I had dentist appointments and while I was in the dentist’s chair, I heard the dental hygienist in my stepson’s room say, “his mom is right over there.”
Then the dentist came in to give me his assessment of my stepson’s teeth. The first thing he said to me was, “oh, you’re his mom? You don’t look old enough to have a son that big.”
My mind went to its usual place of “What? Are you accusing me of birthing a baby when I was in high school?” Of course, I didn’t say that. I went into my usual stuttering answer (which probably doesn’t help the whole authority figure thing).
Later when I relayed the story to my husband saying I never know how to respond in that situation, I broke out laughing. I couldn’t help it. All of a sudden when I was telling him about it, I realized I was blowing things way out of proportion. Those people are probably just trying to be nice. The appropriate response would be a simple “thank you!” That’s it. No apologies or explanations necessary.
My whole panic is really just my stuff getting in the way. And by “stuff” I mean insecurities. It really is time for me to let go of my stuff and accept these comments as compliments.
And now I am grown up. I’ll be 33 in just a few short weeks and I still get mistaken for being 10 years younger. I know, I know- what a great problem to have. Don’t get me wrong. I am happy with the way I look and I’m sure I’ll continue to appreciate it “someday.”
The thing is I’m at a time in my life where I’m supposed to be somewhat of an authority. You know, look like I’ve been working for a while, act like a parent, etc. I think I’m good at my job and I do my best to be a good stepmom, but I see how some people look at me and I assume they are thinking, “she’s too young.”
As if to confirm my suspicions, a lot of people I’ve encountered lately have commented that I look too young to have a 12-year-old kid. I get stuck in this awkward, “um, thanks” while I try to explain (or not) that he’s my stepson or that I’m older than I look.
In fact, this just happened last week. My stepson and I had dentist appointments and while I was in the dentist’s chair, I heard the dental hygienist in my stepson’s room say, “his mom is right over there.”
Then the dentist came in to give me his assessment of my stepson’s teeth. The first thing he said to me was, “oh, you’re his mom? You don’t look old enough to have a son that big.”
My mind went to its usual place of “What? Are you accusing me of birthing a baby when I was in high school?” Of course, I didn’t say that. I went into my usual stuttering answer (which probably doesn’t help the whole authority figure thing).
Later when I relayed the story to my husband saying I never know how to respond in that situation, I broke out laughing. I couldn’t help it. All of a sudden when I was telling him about it, I realized I was blowing things way out of proportion. Those people are probably just trying to be nice. The appropriate response would be a simple “thank you!” That’s it. No apologies or explanations necessary.
My whole panic is really just my stuff getting in the way. And by “stuff” I mean insecurities. It really is time for me to let go of my stuff and accept these comments as compliments.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Advice for Stepmoms
Today on Working Mother I tackled the big question about what advice to give new or soon-to-be stepmoms. I wasn't entirely sure where the post was going until I was halfway through, but sometimes I know there is something important to say if only I take time to write.
Yes, that's how my muse and I roll.
Check it out here and then let me know what advice you would offer new stepmoms.
Yes, that's how my muse and I roll.
Check it out here and then let me know what advice you would offer new stepmoms.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Disengagement
Being a stepmom brings with it a number of challenges mainly because there are no clear cut job descriptions.
Take discipline for example. A biological mother would have built a bond with her baby from day one. By the time it comes to setting and enforcing rules, there is already a strong connection between mother and child. The child may not always want to adhere to bedtime and there may be escalating tones, but they know their mother loves them anyway. If they get upset, they tend to get over it quickly.
As a stepmom, that bond hasn’t been set so enforcing bedtime can turn into “my stepmom is so mean!”
There is a lot of talk in stepmom writings about disengaging. Disengaging basically means that as a stepparent, you might decide to fall back and leave the “parenting” to the biological parent(s).
I wonder how this method works for stepmoms whose stepchildren have two biological parents in the picture. My husband has full custody of his son, so there aren’t two parents already looking after my stepson. It’s just my husband and me (and my in-laws).
Since I am the woman of the house, I take on a lot of traditional motherly roles like cooking, laundry, and homework reminders.
Personally, I prefer for my husband to do the disciplining. But let’s be realistic. While he is a tremendous father, he is not the best mother. He doesn’t always notice things like bedtime slipping by.
The last thing I want to do is nag or be the mean stepmom with so many rules. I do, however, want to make sure my stepson gets the sleep he needs, minds his responsibilities, and uses good manners.
With him in the house full-time, those things are important to me. I’ve found to save my sanity, lately I have been releasing my hold on those things. I’ve been letting my husband police chores and make sure my stepson makes it to baseball practices. I help where needed, but I’ve stepped back a bit.
In all fairness, parenting is still fairly new to me. It doesn’t help that stepmotherhood is rife with unique challenges.
I guess my question is how realistic is disengagement when you are a full-time stepmom? I think I’m starting to find my right balance, but I’m frustrated with all the advice to leave “parenting” to mom and dad. What if mom isn’t around?
Does disengagement work for you stepmoms whose stepchildren split their time between your husband and their mother? Are there any other full-time stepmoms out there- how do you handle the parenting/disengagement balance?
Take discipline for example. A biological mother would have built a bond with her baby from day one. By the time it comes to setting and enforcing rules, there is already a strong connection between mother and child. The child may not always want to adhere to bedtime and there may be escalating tones, but they know their mother loves them anyway. If they get upset, they tend to get over it quickly.
As a stepmom, that bond hasn’t been set so enforcing bedtime can turn into “my stepmom is so mean!”
There is a lot of talk in stepmom writings about disengaging. Disengaging basically means that as a stepparent, you might decide to fall back and leave the “parenting” to the biological parent(s).
I wonder how this method works for stepmoms whose stepchildren have two biological parents in the picture. My husband has full custody of his son, so there aren’t two parents already looking after my stepson. It’s just my husband and me (and my in-laws).
Since I am the woman of the house, I take on a lot of traditional motherly roles like cooking, laundry, and homework reminders.
Personally, I prefer for my husband to do the disciplining. But let’s be realistic. While he is a tremendous father, he is not the best mother. He doesn’t always notice things like bedtime slipping by.
The last thing I want to do is nag or be the mean stepmom with so many rules. I do, however, want to make sure my stepson gets the sleep he needs, minds his responsibilities, and uses good manners.
With him in the house full-time, those things are important to me. I’ve found to save my sanity, lately I have been releasing my hold on those things. I’ve been letting my husband police chores and make sure my stepson makes it to baseball practices. I help where needed, but I’ve stepped back a bit.
In all fairness, parenting is still fairly new to me. It doesn’t help that stepmotherhood is rife with unique challenges.
I guess my question is how realistic is disengagement when you are a full-time stepmom? I think I’m starting to find my right balance, but I’m frustrated with all the advice to leave “parenting” to mom and dad. What if mom isn’t around?
Does disengagement work for you stepmoms whose stepchildren split their time between your husband and their mother? Are there any other full-time stepmoms out there- how do you handle the parenting/disengagement balance?
Monday, April 12, 2010
Blog Parties, Affirmations, and Dreams About Wednesday Martin?
My brain is swirling with a lot of things right now, so I apologize in advance for the somewhat random conglomeration of topics. Deep breaths, everyone. Here we go.
The lovely ladies at 5 Minutes for Mom are hosting the Ultimate Blog Party this week. It’s a party… on the web. No cups or confetti to clean up when it’s done, but perhaps I’ll find some kindred spirits.
By way of introduction, I’ll say that I’m not a biological mom. I am a full-time stepmom. What I mean by that is my husband has full custody of his son. Where other children of divorce often split their time between their mother’s and father’s homes, my stepson is with us all of the time.
I met my stepson when he was about to turn nine. I wasn’t there for his first laugh, first steps, or first words. I didn’t get to marvel with him while he learned about grass or trees or birds.
When I met my stepson he had already been on baseball and soccer teams. He knew how to read and multiply numbers. Meanwhile, I had to learn his favorite foods, what clothes he liked to wear, and which hair clippers the hairdresser should use when trimming.
He had to learn what to call me (Sherri is fine), but more importantly he had to learn that I wasn’t there to impede his relationship with his dad. That wasn’t something I could say and have him learn over night. It was something he had to grow comfortable with in his own time.
Becoming a stepfamily happens slowly over years. It isn’t simply living under the same roof or sharing a last name. It takes time to grow together and figure out how to respect one another.
My husband, my stepson, and I are still figuring it out. I married my husband a year and a half ago and my stepson is now nearing 13.
There are moments I treasure and moments I wonder what I got myself into. Overall, though, we’ve hit a rhythm with our lives and our schedules.
Best of all, there are plenty of hugs to go around.
I’ve noticed lately that I’ve been extra sensitive to criticism (and by criticism, I really mean perceived criticism). At home and at work I’ve struggled with this, so it seems time to focus on this:
Don’t take it personally.
If I detect a sour tone of voice or anger or frustration, I will do my best to understand that it was not aimed at me. When I feel strong I enough, I will go further by trying to decipher what might be the root cause of a bad mood.
This week, I will understand that it’s not about me.
Just as I was about to tell my husband who it was, he took my hand, led me to her and said, “Hi Wednesday! How have you been? It’s been a while.” He introduced me to her and we talked about stepmotherhood and writing and blogging and life. (I know… that’s a lot of stuff!)
When we parted, I talked with my husband about how they met (they were old friends) and her role in studying stepfamilies (of which he was unaware until then).
I was so happy to have met her. Alas, when I awoke I realized that this was all in my imagination.
I’m not great at dream interpretation, so I don’t know what all this means, but it sounds like I should at least keep following Wednesday’s work.
Ultimate Blog Party intro
The lovely ladies at 5 Minutes for Mom are hosting the Ultimate Blog Party this week. It’s a party… on the web. No cups or confetti to clean up when it’s done, but perhaps I’ll find some kindred spirits.By way of introduction, I’ll say that I’m not a biological mom. I am a full-time stepmom. What I mean by that is my husband has full custody of his son. Where other children of divorce often split their time between their mother’s and father’s homes, my stepson is with us all of the time.
I met my stepson when he was about to turn nine. I wasn’t there for his first laugh, first steps, or first words. I didn’t get to marvel with him while he learned about grass or trees or birds.
When I met my stepson he had already been on baseball and soccer teams. He knew how to read and multiply numbers. Meanwhile, I had to learn his favorite foods, what clothes he liked to wear, and which hair clippers the hairdresser should use when trimming.
He had to learn what to call me (Sherri is fine), but more importantly he had to learn that I wasn’t there to impede his relationship with his dad. That wasn’t something I could say and have him learn over night. It was something he had to grow comfortable with in his own time.
Becoming a stepfamily happens slowly over years. It isn’t simply living under the same roof or sharing a last name. It takes time to grow together and figure out how to respect one another.
My husband, my stepson, and I are still figuring it out. I married my husband a year and a half ago and my stepson is now nearing 13.
There are moments I treasure and moments I wonder what I got myself into. Overall, though, we’ve hit a rhythm with our lives and our schedules.
Best of all, there are plenty of hugs to go around.
Affirmations #3
Ever since The Stepmom’s Toolbox suggested a 30 day affirmation challenge, I’ve been inspired to set weekly affirmations on Mondays. Just a simple phrase that I can keep with me and breathe in to help me stay focused on what is important.I’ve noticed lately that I’ve been extra sensitive to criticism (and by criticism, I really mean perceived criticism). At home and at work I’ve struggled with this, so it seems time to focus on this:
Don’t take it personally.
If I detect a sour tone of voice or anger or frustration, I will do my best to understand that it was not aimed at me. When I feel strong I enough, I will go further by trying to decipher what might be the root cause of a bad mood.
This week, I will understand that it’s not about me.
Dream About Wednesday Martin
In other news, I had a dream last night in which I met Wednesday Martin. In my dream, my husband and I were in a grocery store and I saw Wednesday selecting some produce.Just as I was about to tell my husband who it was, he took my hand, led me to her and said, “Hi Wednesday! How have you been? It’s been a while.” He introduced me to her and we talked about stepmotherhood and writing and blogging and life. (I know… that’s a lot of stuff!)
When we parted, I talked with my husband about how they met (they were old friends) and her role in studying stepfamilies (of which he was unaware until then).
I was so happy to have met her. Alas, when I awoke I realized that this was all in my imagination.
I’m not great at dream interpretation, so I don’t know what all this means, but it sounds like I should at least keep following Wednesday’s work.
In closing…
This should be an interesting week. How the heck are you?Monday, March 29, 2010
Affirmations #2
Setting a stepmom affirmation last week helped me keep a positive attitude, so I wanted to try it again this week.
Where The Stepmom's Toolbox has issued a 30 daily affirmations challenge, I am adjusting it to weekly affirmations which gives me extra time to really internalize my selected thought.
For this week's affirmation, I have gone back to the list posted on my closet wall. The lesson I chose continues the path I set last week.
Today may I trust that all will be well.
Last week I learned to breathe and let pass the things that I found bothersome. In doing so, things got done eventually and all turned out well.
It seems appropriate this week to start at the end and trust that all will be well. Because ultimately, it will be, whether it was done "my way" or not.
What is your affirmation of the week (or day)?
Where The Stepmom's Toolbox has issued a 30 daily affirmations challenge, I am adjusting it to weekly affirmations which gives me extra time to really internalize my selected thought.
For this week's affirmation, I have gone back to the list posted on my closet wall. The lesson I chose continues the path I set last week.
Today may I trust that all will be well.
Last week I learned to breathe and let pass the things that I found bothersome. In doing so, things got done eventually and all turned out well.
It seems appropriate this week to start at the end and trust that all will be well. Because ultimately, it will be, whether it was done "my way" or not.
What is your affirmation of the week (or day)?
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Affirmations
I used to think affirmations were hokey. It always made me think of people trying to be tough in business. I don’t know why, but that’s what my mind always made it about.
Last year, Jenn Gibson at Kind Over Matter collected sets of affirmations from several wonderful women and offered them as free downloads on her site.
With options like “Today may I embrace whimsy” and "Today may I let my intuition guide me," I could really get on board with affirmations.
I printed them out and taped them to the wall in my closet where I could see them every day while getting dressed. I even added a few little stickies to mark which ones I want to focus on at the moment.
I don’t change affirmations daily. I tend to hang on to them for a week or so until I feel ready for something different.
Last week Erin talked about affirmations on her blog, following The Stepmom's Toolbox Radio Show where the topic was raised. Erin and crew decided to start The 30 Day Affirmation Challenge to see how daily affirmations help other stepmoms.
One of Erin's opening examples made me laugh: "I will recognize that I may be the most mature one in the stepfamily." We probably all have days like that, right?
Until Erin’s post, I never really thought about using affirmations in relation to my role as a stepmom. The idea intrigues me, so I think I’ll give it a try in my usual weekly style.
This week, my stepmom affirmation is ripped right from the Kind Over Matter set. Today may I breath and let it pass.
It's been a trying week on my soul as I've asked for help around the house and tried to police the chore board. I just don't want to do that. In fact, as of today I am letting the "not mine" chores stack up to save my own sanity.
I'm sure all of us in this house feel like we are doing a lot. Just because I prefer my living space to be organized doesn't mean it has to be everyone else's priority. Furthermore, I reserve the right to not be traffic cop.
If it doesn't bother anyone else that couch space is dwindling because of laptops, power cords, and pillows in disarray, I will do my best to breathe and let it pass. Then I will flop contentedly into my corner reading chair where nothing stands in the way of my resting.
Last year, Jenn Gibson at Kind Over Matter collected sets of affirmations from several wonderful women and offered them as free downloads on her site.
With options like “Today may I embrace whimsy” and "Today may I let my intuition guide me," I could really get on board with affirmations.
I printed them out and taped them to the wall in my closet where I could see them every day while getting dressed. I even added a few little stickies to mark which ones I want to focus on at the moment.
I don’t change affirmations daily. I tend to hang on to them for a week or so until I feel ready for something different.
Last week Erin talked about affirmations on her blog, following The Stepmom's Toolbox Radio Show where the topic was raised. Erin and crew decided to start The 30 Day Affirmation Challenge to see how daily affirmations help other stepmoms.
One of Erin's opening examples made me laugh: "I will recognize that I may be the most mature one in the stepfamily." We probably all have days like that, right?
Until Erin’s post, I never really thought about using affirmations in relation to my role as a stepmom. The idea intrigues me, so I think I’ll give it a try in my usual weekly style.
This week, my stepmom affirmation is ripped right from the Kind Over Matter set. Today may I breath and let it pass.
It's been a trying week on my soul as I've asked for help around the house and tried to police the chore board. I just don't want to do that. In fact, as of today I am letting the "not mine" chores stack up to save my own sanity.
I'm sure all of us in this house feel like we are doing a lot. Just because I prefer my living space to be organized doesn't mean it has to be everyone else's priority. Furthermore, I reserve the right to not be traffic cop.
If it doesn't bother anyone else that couch space is dwindling because of laptops, power cords, and pillows in disarray, I will do my best to breathe and let it pass. Then I will flop contentedly into my corner reading chair where nothing stands in the way of my resting.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Wild and Crazy Stepmom
I used to think I was flighty and unfocused. Maybe it’s from growing up with an engineer as a father. I tried hard to be a good student and follow a logical, “stable” path.
Now that I’m a grown-up, I have a good job in web project management. I know how to do my job and I think I’m good at it.
But there’s this other side to me that I’ve been afraid to acknowledge as more than just a hobby. I’m somewhat of a creative free-spirit. It feels weird to say that because I’ve trained myself to be logical.
The point I’m trying to make is I have “wild and crazy” ideas. A few days ago I was given a box of brightly colored nail polishes in blue, green, purple, and orange to name a few. I was delighted, yet terrified.
As a grown-up web producer stepmom, can I wear those crazy colors? Bear in mind, I usually keep my finger nails natural. In the summer I like to get pedicures and often go for a simple french pedicure or the occasional magenta to spice it up.
Today as I headed out of the office for work, my husband asked where my St. Patrick’s Day green was. I told him I didn’t have anything in my work wardrobe that was green. He asked, “Don’t you have green nail polish now?”
I was so excited that I ran downstairs and polished my nails over breakfast. Grown up… in the office… in green nail polish. It’s such a rush! I’ve been happy and energetic all day.
This little box of polishes appeals so much to the side of me that wants to dye a pink stripe in my hair. I’ve already been working up my courage and may try the pink stripe for my birthday in May (if I don’t chicken out).
When I think about it, though, this little voice says, “you are supposed to be a responsible adult. You’re a stepmom for crying out loud. What will people think when you show up to your stepson's baseball games with pink hair?”
So I’m asking you stepmoms and non-stepmoms alike: What would you think of a grown up woman like me with a pink stripe in her hair?
Does being a stepmom hold you back from any wild and crazy ideas?
Now that I’m a grown-up, I have a good job in web project management. I know how to do my job and I think I’m good at it.
But there’s this other side to me that I’ve been afraid to acknowledge as more than just a hobby. I’m somewhat of a creative free-spirit. It feels weird to say that because I’ve trained myself to be logical.
The point I’m trying to make is I have “wild and crazy” ideas. A few days ago I was given a box of brightly colored nail polishes in blue, green, purple, and orange to name a few. I was delighted, yet terrified.
As a grown-up web producer stepmom, can I wear those crazy colors? Bear in mind, I usually keep my finger nails natural. In the summer I like to get pedicures and often go for a simple french pedicure or the occasional magenta to spice it up.
Today as I headed out of the office for work, my husband asked where my St. Patrick’s Day green was. I told him I didn’t have anything in my work wardrobe that was green. He asked, “Don’t you have green nail polish now?”
I was so excited that I ran downstairs and polished my nails over breakfast. Grown up… in the office… in green nail polish. It’s such a rush! I’ve been happy and energetic all day.
This little box of polishes appeals so much to the side of me that wants to dye a pink stripe in my hair. I’ve already been working up my courage and may try the pink stripe for my birthday in May (if I don’t chicken out).
When I think about it, though, this little voice says, “you are supposed to be a responsible adult. You’re a stepmom for crying out loud. What will people think when you show up to your stepson's baseball games with pink hair?”
So I’m asking you stepmoms and non-stepmoms alike: What would you think of a grown up woman like me with a pink stripe in her hair?
Does being a stepmom hold you back from any wild and crazy ideas?
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Nipping Negativity in the Bud
I'm trying to change how I handle things at home. I realized I had gotten myself to this bad place of thinking "what is it this time?" when dealing with my stepson and even my husband. That kind of negativity only leads to bad outcomes.
Yesterday at work I returned from a meeting to find a missed call from my stepson. In true "what is it this time?" fashion, I thought "don't tell me he's locked out of the house again."
Then I caught myself. How was I to guess the reason for his call? Besides, even if that initial theory proved true, my stepson was probably scared and frustrated. The last thing he would have needed is for me to be cross with him.
So I changed the thought. I put myself in the "what can I do for you?" mindset and gave him a cheerful, "Hey bud. What's up?"
His disappointment carried through the phone line as he replied, "I didn't do well on my math quiz. I left a message for dad, too."
"First," I said, "I'm proud of you for calling to tell us because then we can help you, right?"
"Yes."
I let him know his teacher had sent an email to all the parents saying she had stalled her lesson plan to review the material again today since many of the kids were struggling with it. I hoped that would ease his mind to know it wasn't just him that was having trouble.
Then I continued, "Tonight when I get home, let's go over it together and get you feeling comfortable with it."
He agreed. No fuss, no drama. We went through the questions he got wrong and walked through his work step-by-step to see what happened. It only took 20 minutes for both of us to feel comfortable that he understood it enough to solve the same types of problems in the future.
With the "what can I do for you?" mindset, my hope is that he feels supported rather than feeling like he's in trouble. After all, I'm here to help and show love, not to judge.
Yesterday at work I returned from a meeting to find a missed call from my stepson. In true "what is it this time?" fashion, I thought "don't tell me he's locked out of the house again."
Then I caught myself. How was I to guess the reason for his call? Besides, even if that initial theory proved true, my stepson was probably scared and frustrated. The last thing he would have needed is for me to be cross with him.
So I changed the thought. I put myself in the "what can I do for you?" mindset and gave him a cheerful, "Hey bud. What's up?"
His disappointment carried through the phone line as he replied, "I didn't do well on my math quiz. I left a message for dad, too."
"First," I said, "I'm proud of you for calling to tell us because then we can help you, right?"
"Yes."
I let him know his teacher had sent an email to all the parents saying she had stalled her lesson plan to review the material again today since many of the kids were struggling with it. I hoped that would ease his mind to know it wasn't just him that was having trouble.
Then I continued, "Tonight when I get home, let's go over it together and get you feeling comfortable with it."
He agreed. No fuss, no drama. We went through the questions he got wrong and walked through his work step-by-step to see what happened. It only took 20 minutes for both of us to feel comfortable that he understood it enough to solve the same types of problems in the future.
With the "what can I do for you?" mindset, my hope is that he feels supported rather than feeling like he's in trouble. After all, I'm here to help and show love, not to judge.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Kindness and Not Taking Things Personally
Ask and ye shall receive. Even if the question isn’t seen by everyone, somehow putting it out there prompts a response from the universe.
Before publishing yesterday’s post, I was aware of a call that was happening at The Stepmom’s Toolbox about not taking things so personally. I still haven’t had a chance to listen to the recording, but I plan on saving it to my iPod tonight to listen to during my train ride to Virginia tomorrow.
I can’t wait to listen to it, especially after Stepmum of the Year’s comment yesterday wherein she linked to a post on Café Smom’s blog called, Don’t Take Things So Personally Pledge. Thank you, stepmum, for the link!
In the post, chief smom (as the author calls herself) reflects on the Stepmom’s Toolbox phone call. She says:
Then I read a lovely post by Connie at Dirty Footprints Studio about kindness. Connie is an artist/art teacher/beautiful soul who isn’t afraid to live out loud. Today she talks about what she has learned from teaching, including this:
Finally, I have to say that even with the occasional blips that happen in day-to-day family life, our spontaneous ski trip was soooo worth it. The connection, the time away, the spur-of-the-moment-no-time-to-second-guess nature of it, all of it worked to replenish our souls, which I wrote about at today at Working Mother.
I hope you are all having a fabulous Wednesday. Thank you for listening and responding in kind.
Before publishing yesterday’s post, I was aware of a call that was happening at The Stepmom’s Toolbox about not taking things so personally. I still haven’t had a chance to listen to the recording, but I plan on saving it to my iPod tonight to listen to during my train ride to Virginia tomorrow.
I can’t wait to listen to it, especially after Stepmum of the Year’s comment yesterday wherein she linked to a post on Café Smom’s blog called, Don’t Take Things So Personally Pledge. Thank you, stepmum, for the link!
In the post, chief smom (as the author calls herself) reflects on the Stepmom’s Toolbox phone call. She says:
My greatest takeaway is that I am actually gaining power over my own emotions and life when I give up the power to know everything and control certain situations. When I choose not to take something personally, I am empowering myself to have peace in my heart. What a gift that I can give myself.Whoa. It’s a great mind shift, isn’t it? Choosing not to take something personally, empowers us to have peace in our own heart. I love that. It won’t necessarily be easy to put this into practice, but think how great the rewards will be. Thank you, chief smom, for your insights! I will be joining in your challenge.
Then I read a lovely post by Connie at Dirty Footprints Studio about kindness. Connie is an artist/art teacher/beautiful soul who isn’t afraid to live out loud. Today she talks about what she has learned from teaching, including this:
Letting go of pride and putting my own insecurities aside are great reminders for me. They are things I continue to struggle with as I learn to be comfortable in my own skin as a stepmom, as a wife, and as an individual. As usual, Connie, you are reminding me what life is all about.And teaching has taught me, over and over again,
to be kind.
To just be kind. No matter what. No matter when.
No matter how you have to figure yourself out,
to find the courage-to let go of pride-to turn the other cheek-To put your own insecurities aside.
Finally, I have to say that even with the occasional blips that happen in day-to-day family life, our spontaneous ski trip was soooo worth it. The connection, the time away, the spur-of-the-moment-no-time-to-second-guess nature of it, all of it worked to replenish our souls, which I wrote about at today at Working Mother.
I hope you are all having a fabulous Wednesday. Thank you for listening and responding in kind.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Cooking for How Many?
I know how to cook for two. I know how much food to take out if I want just enough or if I want there to be leftovers. When I got divorced, I had to learn how to cook for one, which is difficult because food tends not to come in single servings. It's also tough to be motivated to cook for one. I had a lot of cereal, soup, and pasta- things that could easily be portioned.
When I got remarried, I suddenly had to cook for three. I now know that 3/4 of a pound of pasta and one jar of sauce is just about right. If I kick up the sauce with extra ingredients and use the full pound of pasta, there will be leftovers.
Chicken tenderloins come seven to a package. That's three for my husband, two for me, and two for my stepson. One can of corn splits three ways perfectly. I can buy a two pack of steak, plus one individually wrapped steak to feed three. One head of broccoli steams a serving for each of us.
It took a lot of trial and error to get to this point. I made meals that left way too much in the end and meals that left us scrambling for snacks. But there is a balance and a rhythm I've come to.
That is, until my in-laws moved in. Suddenly all of my portions are null. To feed five people requires the extra large package of chicken breasts. (Did you know those cost more than $12?) That usually leaves one chicken breast left over- often a scrawny piece that certainly can't be turned into leftovers for five. If I chop it up to mix in a bowl of salad or rice, I can make lunch for two.
So I'm back at the beginning learning how to portion appropriately for four adults and a growing boy whose appetite is sometimes equal to my husband's and other times satiated by a mere three bites. While I'm decent in the kitchen, I wouldn't say I'm one of those people that can take last night's meatloaf and turn it into tonight's beef demi-glaze in a reduction sauce. (Heck, I don't even know if all those words go together.)
I'll keep trying. Eventually I'm sure I'll figure out how many pounds of ground beef and taco shells are needed. If anyone has suggestions for feeding five, I'd be appreciative. I'm thinking my crockpot could get some more use.
When I got remarried, I suddenly had to cook for three. I now know that 3/4 of a pound of pasta and one jar of sauce is just about right. If I kick up the sauce with extra ingredients and use the full pound of pasta, there will be leftovers.
Chicken tenderloins come seven to a package. That's three for my husband, two for me, and two for my stepson. One can of corn splits three ways perfectly. I can buy a two pack of steak, plus one individually wrapped steak to feed three. One head of broccoli steams a serving for each of us.
It took a lot of trial and error to get to this point. I made meals that left way too much in the end and meals that left us scrambling for snacks. But there is a balance and a rhythm I've come to.
That is, until my in-laws moved in. Suddenly all of my portions are null. To feed five people requires the extra large package of chicken breasts. (Did you know those cost more than $12?) That usually leaves one chicken breast left over- often a scrawny piece that certainly can't be turned into leftovers for five. If I chop it up to mix in a bowl of salad or rice, I can make lunch for two.
So I'm back at the beginning learning how to portion appropriately for four adults and a growing boy whose appetite is sometimes equal to my husband's and other times satiated by a mere three bites. While I'm decent in the kitchen, I wouldn't say I'm one of those people that can take last night's meatloaf and turn it into tonight's beef demi-glaze in a reduction sauce. (Heck, I don't even know if all those words go together.)
I'll keep trying. Eventually I'm sure I'll figure out how many pounds of ground beef and taco shells are needed. If anyone has suggestions for feeding five, I'd be appreciative. I'm thinking my crockpot could get some more use.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Working Mother Wednesday
For some reason it seems like I don't meet a lot of stepmoms. So when I started talking about this blog, I was surprised to to hear that Working Mother was seeing increased interest in blended families.
It makes sense. With divorce rates as high as they are, there must be a fair number of stepfamilies out there. Where are they hiding? I'll have to do a little research on that.
I was even more surprised to be asked to write on the Mom Blogs at WorkingMother.com. What an honor!
Every Wednesday I will be writing Stepmom Diaries at the Mom Blogs. My first post launched yesterday. (A day early- oops!) I hope that through Stepmom Diaries and here at Too Many Toasters we can get a dialogue going about stepfamily life.
Happy Wednesday!
It makes sense. With divorce rates as high as they are, there must be a fair number of stepfamilies out there. Where are they hiding? I'll have to do a little research on that.
I was even more surprised to be asked to write on the Mom Blogs at WorkingMother.com. What an honor!
Every Wednesday I will be writing Stepmom Diaries at the Mom Blogs. My first post launched yesterday. (A day early- oops!) I hope that through Stepmom Diaries and here at Too Many Toasters we can get a dialogue going about stepfamily life.
Happy Wednesday!
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