I know I've been quiet lately and I can't promise I'll be around consistently for the next few weeks, but I wanted to let you know I'm still here.
You see spring is a busy, busy time. (I'm sure many of you can relate!) My work generally gets a lot heavier in the spring months as the rate of sold projects picks up. There always seems to be a rush in the spring and then again in September through the end of the year.
On top of that it is baseball season and, as anyone with athletic kids or stepkids can attest, schedules can get quite hectic.
My stepson is playing on rec, travel, and school teams. There is pretty much a baseball practice or game (or both!) every day of the week.
With the weather turning warm and breezy, I consider baseball games great excuses to spend some time outside soaking it up. I love these spring days.
What are you up to this gorgeous spring? (Or fall for my ladies in the southern hemisphere?)
As we approach the end of the school year, I reflected on math homework at WorkingMother.com. I hope you'll check it out.
Showing posts with label stepparenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stepparenting. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Disengagement
Being a stepmom brings with it a number of challenges mainly because there are no clear cut job descriptions.
Take discipline for example. A biological mother would have built a bond with her baby from day one. By the time it comes to setting and enforcing rules, there is already a strong connection between mother and child. The child may not always want to adhere to bedtime and there may be escalating tones, but they know their mother loves them anyway. If they get upset, they tend to get over it quickly.
As a stepmom, that bond hasn’t been set so enforcing bedtime can turn into “my stepmom is so mean!”
There is a lot of talk in stepmom writings about disengaging. Disengaging basically means that as a stepparent, you might decide to fall back and leave the “parenting” to the biological parent(s).
I wonder how this method works for stepmoms whose stepchildren have two biological parents in the picture. My husband has full custody of his son, so there aren’t two parents already looking after my stepson. It’s just my husband and me (and my in-laws).
Since I am the woman of the house, I take on a lot of traditional motherly roles like cooking, laundry, and homework reminders.
Personally, I prefer for my husband to do the disciplining. But let’s be realistic. While he is a tremendous father, he is not the best mother. He doesn’t always notice things like bedtime slipping by.
The last thing I want to do is nag or be the mean stepmom with so many rules. I do, however, want to make sure my stepson gets the sleep he needs, minds his responsibilities, and uses good manners.
With him in the house full-time, those things are important to me. I’ve found to save my sanity, lately I have been releasing my hold on those things. I’ve been letting my husband police chores and make sure my stepson makes it to baseball practices. I help where needed, but I’ve stepped back a bit.
In all fairness, parenting is still fairly new to me. It doesn’t help that stepmotherhood is rife with unique challenges.
I guess my question is how realistic is disengagement when you are a full-time stepmom? I think I’m starting to find my right balance, but I’m frustrated with all the advice to leave “parenting” to mom and dad. What if mom isn’t around?
Does disengagement work for you stepmoms whose stepchildren split their time between your husband and their mother? Are there any other full-time stepmoms out there- how do you handle the parenting/disengagement balance?
Take discipline for example. A biological mother would have built a bond with her baby from day one. By the time it comes to setting and enforcing rules, there is already a strong connection between mother and child. The child may not always want to adhere to bedtime and there may be escalating tones, but they know their mother loves them anyway. If they get upset, they tend to get over it quickly.
As a stepmom, that bond hasn’t been set so enforcing bedtime can turn into “my stepmom is so mean!”
There is a lot of talk in stepmom writings about disengaging. Disengaging basically means that as a stepparent, you might decide to fall back and leave the “parenting” to the biological parent(s).
I wonder how this method works for stepmoms whose stepchildren have two biological parents in the picture. My husband has full custody of his son, so there aren’t two parents already looking after my stepson. It’s just my husband and me (and my in-laws).
Since I am the woman of the house, I take on a lot of traditional motherly roles like cooking, laundry, and homework reminders.
Personally, I prefer for my husband to do the disciplining. But let’s be realistic. While he is a tremendous father, he is not the best mother. He doesn’t always notice things like bedtime slipping by.
The last thing I want to do is nag or be the mean stepmom with so many rules. I do, however, want to make sure my stepson gets the sleep he needs, minds his responsibilities, and uses good manners.
With him in the house full-time, those things are important to me. I’ve found to save my sanity, lately I have been releasing my hold on those things. I’ve been letting my husband police chores and make sure my stepson makes it to baseball practices. I help where needed, but I’ve stepped back a bit.
In all fairness, parenting is still fairly new to me. It doesn’t help that stepmotherhood is rife with unique challenges.
I guess my question is how realistic is disengagement when you are a full-time stepmom? I think I’m starting to find my right balance, but I’m frustrated with all the advice to leave “parenting” to mom and dad. What if mom isn’t around?
Does disengagement work for you stepmoms whose stepchildren split their time between your husband and their mother? Are there any other full-time stepmoms out there- how do you handle the parenting/disengagement balance?
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Living in the Moment
I nearly missed some wonderful memories with my stepson simply because I had a plan in my head for how my time would be spent.
Do you ever do that? Have you turned down a game or walked away from spontaneous fun because you had something else you "had" to do?
Remember, our lives are for building memories, not for checking off to do's.
Read more about living in the moment at my Working Mother blog.
Do you ever do that? Have you turned down a game or walked away from spontaneous fun because you had something else you "had" to do?
Remember, our lives are for building memories, not for checking off to do's.
Read more about living in the moment at my Working Mother blog.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
When the Stepmom Becomes the Teenager
One of my challenges in life is learning not to take offense to things. I think I’m improving, but there are times when I let things get to me rather than taking them for what they are and letting them roll off my back. Often there isn’t any offense intended, so it’s just my own sensitivity getting in my way.
As an example, this weekend my husband, stepson, and I went on a spontaneous ski trip. One morning as we were headed down to breakfast, my stepson was leaving the room without shoes and wearing a knit cap. I asked him to get his shoes and remove his hat. He whined about the hat and said he didn’t want to take it off because he hadn’t brushed his hair. (I think it was probably that he thought the hat looked cool, which it kind of did.)
My husband said, “Does he really need to take it off? This is a ski lodge. There are probably a lot of people down there with hats on.”
Though part of me agreed that he had a good point, the part of me that replied said, “Ok. Overrule me. Whatever,” and I started down the hallway. Real mature.
Sure enough, down at the breakfast buffet, other people were wearing hats. I cringed as soon as I saw it because I knew what was next.
On cue, my stepson said, “See? Lots of people have hats on.”
Grrrrr. I don’t remember now what I said, but I’m sure it was another “whatever.”
In a second I went from being the stepmom to being a temperamental teenager. Yikes. I was so frustrated that I didn’t know how to move on gracefully. Instead I focused on eating my breakfast and quieting my mind. Midway through breakfast, we were all smiling again.
How do you handle your own inner teenager? Do you have tips for (step)parenting with grace?
As an example, this weekend my husband, stepson, and I went on a spontaneous ski trip. One morning as we were headed down to breakfast, my stepson was leaving the room without shoes and wearing a knit cap. I asked him to get his shoes and remove his hat. He whined about the hat and said he didn’t want to take it off because he hadn’t brushed his hair. (I think it was probably that he thought the hat looked cool, which it kind of did.)
My husband said, “Does he really need to take it off? This is a ski lodge. There are probably a lot of people down there with hats on.”
Though part of me agreed that he had a good point, the part of me that replied said, “Ok. Overrule me. Whatever,” and I started down the hallway. Real mature.
Sure enough, down at the breakfast buffet, other people were wearing hats. I cringed as soon as I saw it because I knew what was next.
On cue, my stepson said, “See? Lots of people have hats on.”
Grrrrr. I don’t remember now what I said, but I’m sure it was another “whatever.”
In a second I went from being the stepmom to being a temperamental teenager. Yikes. I was so frustrated that I didn’t know how to move on gracefully. Instead I focused on eating my breakfast and quieting my mind. Midway through breakfast, we were all smiling again.
How do you handle your own inner teenager? Do you have tips for (step)parenting with grace?
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Meticulous Mom
My stepson lovingly joked with me that I should be “one of those meticulous moms that keeps everything super organized.”
Though I haven’t perfected this parenthood thing, I do the cooking, the laundry, general tidying up, clean the cat litter, make sure homework, chores, and sports activities happen on time, and tuck the blankets tight at bedtime. Not too shabby.
When I mentioned these things to my stepson he said, “Yeah. Me and dad are lazy bums.”
I laughed and hugged him. Then, I did what any meticulous mom would do: I called dibs on the Xbox.
Though I haven’t perfected this parenthood thing, I do the cooking, the laundry, general tidying up, clean the cat litter, make sure homework, chores, and sports activities happen on time, and tuck the blankets tight at bedtime. Not too shabby.
When I mentioned these things to my stepson he said, “Yeah. Me and dad are lazy bums.”
I laughed and hugged him. Then, I did what any meticulous mom would do: I called dibs on the Xbox.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Changing the Thought
Last night my commute home stretched 40 minutes longer than its usual 2 hours. It was 8:00 p.m. when I pulled into my driveway and all of my built up stress began to boil over when I saw the garbage cans still sitting by the garage.
Sometimes I feel my stress turning into anger/sadness/frustration when I don’t even want to be angry/sad/frustrated over the situation. Does that make sense? Do you ever feel that way?
You see, it was garbage night- the night when my stepson is supposed to put the cans out by the street for an early morning pick-up. Like the rest of us humans, he resists the work he doesn’t want to do. More than that, he’s 12 which means, unlike adults who begrudgingly do the crappy chores anyway because we have to, he sometimes doesn’t give them a second thought.
My mind immediately turned this into something bad that I had to do. Not that I had to take out the garbage, it was that I had to go in after a long day and gripe and push and prod to get a stupid little chore done. I don't want to do that.
But as I got out of my car it dawned on me- I didn’t have to go in and immediately harp on my stepson about the garbage. Who says I have to do that? I tried to change the thought (a little trick I learned from Deb Owen’s Creative Pathways course).
I took a deep breath and decided to haul out some of the garbage myself. There was enough there that it would have been overwhelming for my stepson to do by himself, anyway. I left the last little bit so he could still get a star on his chore board for the night and, therefore, get paid for it at the end of the week.
With a milder mindset, I walked in to the house, called out “hello,” and put my stuff down. My husband came running to hug me (I love that!) and my stepson said, “Sherri, I need help with my math homework.”
I whimpered inside with all kinds of comebacks swirling in my head. Again, rather than lash out or speak any of those awful thoughts, I breathed. I looked at my husband and calmly asked, “Will you please let him know I just walked in, I haven’t yet taken off my coat, and I’m not ready.” Then I hung up my coat and sunk onto the couch for a few minutes.
My husband did one better. He helped my stepson with his homework. My mind quieted.
While looking at the math problem he said, “Your dinner is on a plate in the refrigerator with foil on it.” (My in-laws have taken up cooking dinner on the two days a week I commute to New York- yay!) I felt my body relax a little.
As I walked into the kitchen I found my stepson already pulling the foil off and heading to the microwave. I was surprised and felt my body relax a little more.
When I set the timer on the microwave, my stepson was back at the refrigerator asking what I wanted to drink. I could have cried happy tears from the weight being lifted from my shoulders. By the time I finished eating, I was feeling calm and cared for. Almost ready to face the world again.
Once homework was complete, I nicely asked my stepson to please take the garbage out to the street. I let him know there was only one can left. He asked, “Did you take some already?” I detected hope in his voice. Who knows? Maybe he was relieved to have some help, too.
Sometimes the universe (or your family) gives you exactly what you need. I am so grateful for that… and them.
And to my mind who tried to take me to a dark, mean place, I have this to say: I’m not afraid of you. I won’t let you bring me down.
Sometimes I feel my stress turning into anger/sadness/frustration when I don’t even want to be angry/sad/frustrated over the situation. Does that make sense? Do you ever feel that way?
You see, it was garbage night- the night when my stepson is supposed to put the cans out by the street for an early morning pick-up. Like the rest of us humans, he resists the work he doesn’t want to do. More than that, he’s 12 which means, unlike adults who begrudgingly do the crappy chores anyway because we have to, he sometimes doesn’t give them a second thought.
My mind immediately turned this into something bad that I had to do. Not that I had to take out the garbage, it was that I had to go in after a long day and gripe and push and prod to get a stupid little chore done. I don't want to do that.
But as I got out of my car it dawned on me- I didn’t have to go in and immediately harp on my stepson about the garbage. Who says I have to do that? I tried to change the thought (a little trick I learned from Deb Owen’s Creative Pathways course).
I took a deep breath and decided to haul out some of the garbage myself. There was enough there that it would have been overwhelming for my stepson to do by himself, anyway. I left the last little bit so he could still get a star on his chore board for the night and, therefore, get paid for it at the end of the week.
With a milder mindset, I walked in to the house, called out “hello,” and put my stuff down. My husband came running to hug me (I love that!) and my stepson said, “Sherri, I need help with my math homework.”
I whimpered inside with all kinds of comebacks swirling in my head. Again, rather than lash out or speak any of those awful thoughts, I breathed. I looked at my husband and calmly asked, “Will you please let him know I just walked in, I haven’t yet taken off my coat, and I’m not ready.” Then I hung up my coat and sunk onto the couch for a few minutes.
My husband did one better. He helped my stepson with his homework. My mind quieted.
While looking at the math problem he said, “Your dinner is on a plate in the refrigerator with foil on it.” (My in-laws have taken up cooking dinner on the two days a week I commute to New York- yay!) I felt my body relax a little.
As I walked into the kitchen I found my stepson already pulling the foil off and heading to the microwave. I was surprised and felt my body relax a little more.
When I set the timer on the microwave, my stepson was back at the refrigerator asking what I wanted to drink. I could have cried happy tears from the weight being lifted from my shoulders. By the time I finished eating, I was feeling calm and cared for. Almost ready to face the world again.
Once homework was complete, I nicely asked my stepson to please take the garbage out to the street. I let him know there was only one can left. He asked, “Did you take some already?” I detected hope in his voice. Who knows? Maybe he was relieved to have some help, too.
Sometimes the universe (or your family) gives you exactly what you need. I am so grateful for that… and them.
And to my mind who tried to take me to a dark, mean place, I have this to say: I’m not afraid of you. I won’t let you bring me down.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Working Mother Wednesday: Christmas Traditions
In keeping with yesterday's post about The Night Before Christmas reading we do in our family every Christmas Eve, I continued the discussion of Christmas traditions on the Working Mother Mom Blogs today.
What Christmas traditions do you have with your family?
What Christmas traditions do you have with your family?
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
The little book: a Christmas tradition
“It’s only two days ‘til Christmas,” my 12-year-old stepson keeps saying. It has now been “two days ‘til Christmas” since last Friday. Wishful thinking?
I can’t help but share his enthusiasm. I love Christmas. I love the lights, the bustle of people, shopping for the perfect gift, and wrapping gifts in cheerful paper. It really is a wonderful time of year for me.
The other day my stepson asked what we were doing in the coming days. When we got to Christmas Eve I said that we would be visiting our friends for the Feast of Seven Fishes, just like we had last year. (He loved the Feast last year. Any day he can have shrimp is a good day.) I continued that we would get home late, go to bed, and wake up for our usual Christmas morning routine.
“But when are we going to read the little book?” he asked, almost whining. My heart filled with joy in that moment.
You see, “the little book” is one of my Christmas ornaments. It is a 2x2” red leather bound copy of The Night Before Christmas. It has crisp aged white pages with gold edges and an inscription in my mother’s perfect cursive: “To Sherri: With love from Mommy & Daddy. Dec. 1979.” I was two years old when my parents gave that to me and it has hung on the Christmas tree every year since.
The first Christmas I spent with my husband (then boyfriend) and stepson, I suggested we read it before going to bed on Christmas Eve. We all piled together under a blanket and took turns reading. We have continued to read it before bed on Christmas Eve for all three of our Christmases together so far.
Though I planned on carrying through on the reading again this year, I hadn’t mentioned it to my stepson while speaking of the Christmas activities. He picked right up on its omission and sounded truly worried that I had overlooked it.
As stepmoms we want to know that we are making a difference. There are times that it feels like we are in the way or ignored. In that one moment, I felt like I made a difference. A little activity that I started three Christmases ago, became a tradition that would be missed if we didn’t do it. Christmas really does bring people together.
Happy holidays to you and yours! May you cherish your family traditions, big and small.
I can’t help but share his enthusiasm. I love Christmas. I love the lights, the bustle of people, shopping for the perfect gift, and wrapping gifts in cheerful paper. It really is a wonderful time of year for me.
The other day my stepson asked what we were doing in the coming days. When we got to Christmas Eve I said that we would be visiting our friends for the Feast of Seven Fishes, just like we had last year. (He loved the Feast last year. Any day he can have shrimp is a good day.) I continued that we would get home late, go to bed, and wake up for our usual Christmas morning routine.
“But when are we going to read the little book?” he asked, almost whining. My heart filled with joy in that moment.
You see, “the little book” is one of my Christmas ornaments. It is a 2x2” red leather bound copy of The Night Before Christmas. It has crisp aged white pages with gold edges and an inscription in my mother’s perfect cursive: “To Sherri: With love from Mommy & Daddy. Dec. 1979.” I was two years old when my parents gave that to me and it has hung on the Christmas tree every year since.
The first Christmas I spent with my husband (then boyfriend) and stepson, I suggested we read it before going to bed on Christmas Eve. We all piled together under a blanket and took turns reading. We have continued to read it before bed on Christmas Eve for all three of our Christmases together so far.
Though I planned on carrying through on the reading again this year, I hadn’t mentioned it to my stepson while speaking of the Christmas activities. He picked right up on its omission and sounded truly worried that I had overlooked it.
As stepmoms we want to know that we are making a difference. There are times that it feels like we are in the way or ignored. In that one moment, I felt like I made a difference. A little activity that I started three Christmases ago, became a tradition that would be missed if we didn’t do it. Christmas really does bring people together.
Happy holidays to you and yours! May you cherish your family traditions, big and small.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Scheduling Around the Stepson
Adjusting to life with a pre-teen child is unusual. For me it was especially unusual because I "joined a family already in progress," as the lovely Erin of Stepchicks so perfectly describes it.
I had no children of my own coming in to my marriage. My stepson was nearly 9 years old when I met him. In no time flat, my life went from being mostly about me to being much more about my stepson. There was homework to help with, sporting events to attend, and after school arrangements to be made. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the family time, but I didn’t want to lose the “me” I was for the “us” I was becoming.
My husband coaches baseball and soccer, so even when my stepson didn't have a game, my husband's time was swallowed up quickly with phone calls to parents, field preparation, or scheduling umpires and referees. I would suggest an outing to a park or a store to find out that "we have practice from 1:00 to 4:00, but maybe after that."
Learning that my schedule was tied so intricately to my stepson's was a shock to my system. To get my “me” time back I had to make this work. I put the practice and game schedules in my calendar so I wouldn’t be caught of guard.
I continued to attend the games (and now I even understand what's going on most of the time). I do my best to make every game and the boys know that I love them and that I’m interested in what they are doing.
Practice time, however, became my time. During practices I catch up on things I want to do whether it is watching a "girly" television show, reading in a perfectly quiet house, writing in my journal, or wandering a store at my own pace (not the pace of someone worried about boring her beloved boys).
Then when the boys come home, I'm refreshed and content rather than anxious and irritable. By changing my perspective and learning to take advantage of the schedule, I have saved my own sanity.
The funny thing is the boys never really needed me at the practices. That is their “me” time. Time to be boys and play hard.
How do you get your “me” time in?
I had no children of my own coming in to my marriage. My stepson was nearly 9 years old when I met him. In no time flat, my life went from being mostly about me to being much more about my stepson. There was homework to help with, sporting events to attend, and after school arrangements to be made. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the family time, but I didn’t want to lose the “me” I was for the “us” I was becoming.
My husband coaches baseball and soccer, so even when my stepson didn't have a game, my husband's time was swallowed up quickly with phone calls to parents, field preparation, or scheduling umpires and referees. I would suggest an outing to a park or a store to find out that "we have practice from 1:00 to 4:00, but maybe after that."
Learning that my schedule was tied so intricately to my stepson's was a shock to my system. To get my “me” time back I had to make this work. I put the practice and game schedules in my calendar so I wouldn’t be caught of guard.
I continued to attend the games (and now I even understand what's going on most of the time). I do my best to make every game and the boys know that I love them and that I’m interested in what they are doing.
Practice time, however, became my time. During practices I catch up on things I want to do whether it is watching a "girly" television show, reading in a perfectly quiet house, writing in my journal, or wandering a store at my own pace (not the pace of someone worried about boring her beloved boys).
Then when the boys come home, I'm refreshed and content rather than anxious and irritable. By changing my perspective and learning to take advantage of the schedule, I have saved my own sanity.
The funny thing is the boys never really needed me at the practices. That is their “me” time. Time to be boys and play hard.
How do you get your “me” time in?
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